Uncategorized

The Theory of Finite Fucks: Revisited

A year ago, I laid down the Theory of Finite Fucks.  In the following weeks, people kept sending me the link to an article dealing with “fucks given” published a week after.

Whatever, you guys. No, it’s not the same thing.

As I went on through the year armed with the knowledge of the finite nature of fucks, I carefully allocated what I gave fucks about.  2015 was a year of tumultuous change and this strategy was my savior.

And with one day left in the year I happened upon something.  I found that I had a reserve of fucks not yet given.

Weathered by endless disappointment, I had squirreled away all these fucks in case I found myself in the dead of the winter with a life to live and no fucks to give.

Faced with this unexpected turn of events I started to ponder this windfall of fucks. WHAT does THIS mean ?

Are these “rollover fucks” ? Should I venture out to a New Year’s Eve celebration with my glut of fucks ? Had I accrued any interest on these fucks ?

Then I realized that these fucks had to be invested.  On this last day of 2015, I was going to give all the fucks about the future.  Give a fuck about worthy things and you’ll find yourself with more to give.

Give a fuck about friends and their ideas (Be an angel investor).

Give a fuck about your future and the kind of person you want to be (401fucKs).

Be wise.

Because that’s what wisdom is — knowing when and how much to give a fuck.

Advertisements

11 Seemingly Inconsequential Things That Send Me Into a Blind Rage

When you ask a question on Facebook and people “Like” your status without providing any answer


People who pronounce “espresso” as “expresso.” ITS NOT NEXESPRESSO, IS IT?

When people put their shoes on my white carpet. In that second, I literally want to murder you. IT’S A WHITE CARPET, YOUR SHOES MOST DEFINITELY HAVE PISS RESIDUE ON THEM. HOW IS THIS A GOOD IDEA – WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Smokers who don’t watch where they flick their cigarette ash. I once stared a guy down until he apologized when he flicked his cigarette ash as I was walking by and it hit me.

People who put food in the microwave at work and walk away

Those people who walk four deep on a crowded on a sidewalk. I hope your #squadgoals didn’t involve getting pushed into traffic

When someone doesn’t admit when they don’t know something

Using the word “synergy”

When someone embellishes a story in front of you WHEN YOU WERE THERE. THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED, WHY ARE YOU LYING.

When people make fun of strangers who are minding their own business.

When I bump my head on something. It’s totally 100% my fault, but I become irrationally angry for about 20 seconds.

Hiatus

Hiatus is how the literate say “I can’t even” 

I truly enjoy blogging, but creating is an arduous process. It’s my goal to put out high quality content for your consumption.

Things in my life have gotten hairy lately. Too hairy for the latest seven blade razor to hack. 

So I’m choosing a hiatus while I focus on getting my life back together. 

See you May 7th.

The Grand Aspirations of Small Talk

Apologies on missing last Thursday’s post. Life gets hairy sometimes. Onward to this week’s post…

The impact of the weather on our lives is severely discounted. It is the first thing that will impact your entire day – what you wear, your mood, how you get to work, whether you go for a run that morning.

The Weather Man is also most likely to be the first man in your life to lie to you.

I care about the weather. I have four weather apps on my phone. But weather falls into the category of “small talk.”

I never considered weather to be “small talk”. It often leads to a discussion of why I like living in San Francisco. The summer heat in Texas (where I grew up) is so bad, you have to leave your car door open when you first get in, lest you suffocate.

“Small talk” is universally hated. It is a farce – a thinly veiled non-attempt to engage with another person. Because the idea of standing next to a stranger in complete silence, is apparently so much worse.

But is it? I don’t mind silence because I place high value on words and conversations. “Small talk” is the equivalent is throwing dollars in the air.

What makes “small talk” so grating is that it has no aspirations of being anything other than “small talk.” The words exchanged probably won’t lead anywhere and that fate has been accepted. It is laziness on the part of the participants. There are no expectations that you must find yourself in a deep, heavy conversation. The only expectation is that you’re engaged in the moment.

You can walk away from a short interaction invigorated, or having learned something or even with a spring in your step. You don’t have to fall victim to “small talk”. By actively engaging, asking questions and above all, LISTENING, you may find yourself having an actual conversation.

I had an acquaintance’s boyfriend ask me “what I did” every time we talked. Finally, I pointed out that despite meeting me multiple times, he insisted on asking and promptly forgetting my occupation.

His response? “Oh haha, I don’t remember.”

Of course you don’t, you coked-out douche.

While this falls on the far end of “small-talk offenders,” the lesson still remains. Don’t be a coked out douche. You can make the choice to engage, walk away, or even…stand in silence.

Remember, only YOU can prevent small talk.

Age is the Boogeyman Adults Fear

Dear Marketers, Stop using the word “anti-aging” when you’re selling face creams, unless you’re trying to sell Marty McFly’s DeLorean the word is meaningless.

The idea that something would stop aging, an unavoidable event that occurs as time goes on is a bit ridiculous, yet it seems to be a successful strategy.

That success comes from tapping into the fear of aging. Aging is nothing to be feared, it’s merely the accumulation of changes in a person or thing due to the passage of time. Aging is not synonymous with deterioration. Though it seems to have that connotation when describing a person (that isn’t George Clooney), but coincidentally not a wine or whisky.

Not only are the physical changes that happen with growing older feared, but the life changes that occur as well. You find many shy away responsibility and the expectations that comes with age. San Francisco locals may have noticed the phenomena dubbed “Peter Pan Syndrome”. Because staying out partying all night when you hit 40 IS SO COOL.

No, no it isn’t.

Attempting to stop the inevitable is futile. Graceful aging comes with accepting the changes that come with growing old.

Unfortunately since I tend to laugh at my own jokes, I have accepted that I will have more lines around my eyes and mouth. Though even as I’m writing about accepting the aging process, I often seek solace in the adage that ‘black don’t crack’.

No one said it was an easy process.

As a child I was prone to angry outbursts. I once tied my shoes together to form makeshift nunchucks. Thankfully for all of you, I grew out of that stage. I realized that stubbornness didn’t serve any purpose.

Becoming older means having the wisdom to know yourself and know what things you will and will not accept. At the same time, it means having the ability to accept the validity in other views, the knowledge that experience colors interaction and personality.

Having the confidence to make concessions comes with age. Sometimes winning means walking away from a bad situation completely intact.

You will age. But you have the choice of becoming a rotten apple or a fine wine.

A Unicorn Named Closure

My sister’s reaction to my dream on Sunday night was that it sounded like four nightmares in one. YEAH. I KNOW.

In this dream, I was interviewing for a position at Harvard (WUT). My phone interview was being conducted by a former coworker who wasn’t even employed by Harvard. The entire time I was in Cambridge, I cried to my boyfriend (now my ex) about not wanting to leave SF.

I also happened to be participating in a spoken word contest hosted by Oprah. When I was up to perform, the deejay started to play a terrible song. I began mocking the song and suddenly the crowd turned on me. I was run off campus with Oprah leading the charge.

Students in hoods and bandanas rose up to my defense and hustled me safely off campus. They told me that though they supported me, they couldn’t be seen with me and I was on my own.

I awoke, upset and still reeling from being chased out of Harvard by Oprah. Obviously this dream was all kinds of ridiculous – the common thread to these seemingly random events was that these were all things that I thought I had moved past.

  1. My frustrations with my previous job
  2. My conflicted feelings about living in San Francisco
  3. My ex-boyfriend’s presence in my mind
  4. Oprah

Closure is a unicorn. It is a myth. Closure is unattainable, because even if you think you caught a unicorn – you really just caught a horse wearing a horn on its forehead.

For the longest time I thought closure was something that you had to reach yourself. No amount of talking, questions answered or therapy could get you there. In time, you would be able to accept things and move on. But you had to do them at your own pace and the journey was a solitary one.

I thought I had moved past all if the things I listed above. For example, the feeling that I would chuck a chair at my ex if I ever saw him went away suddenly. I felt like I moved past those feelings, I had found my own closure in my own time.

But here’s the thing, I still owned that condo in Hate City, I was just now renting out to other tenants.

It’s ok to dislike something or someone. It’s ok to have unpleasant feelings towards someone. It’s ok to think that Oprah isn’t as great as everyone says she is and is just as exploitative as any other talk show host (she also introduced the evil known as Dr. Phil).

The idea of closure is that you get to close the book on a past event. That doesn’t happen. You may get to turn the page, but the page is still in the book.

The unhappiness, the tragedy, and the feelings – they happened and therefore are part of your landscape and your story. Experiences shape who we are and the people we become, for better or worse.

Life is not linear. We move forward, we fall back, we take detours and find ourselves on highways to places we didn’t know existed. Sometimes you have to use a plunger to bring old shit up, but you also have to have the strength to flush it back down.

MPF: Marginal Propensity to Flake

I am sorry, there is no simple formula to predict how likely your friends are to flake.

Like an unfinished research article your professor is rushing you to publish, there is still much work to be done on how to adequately predict the propensity to flake. There are quite a few variables at play here, and I am still weighing their impact on flakilihood.

Most of my observations are based on the past five years of living in San Francisco, a place where people are as flaky as a kouign amann from b. Patisserie.

Sidenote: If you haven’t had a kouign amann from b. Patisserie, you haven’t cried real tears, but that’s for a future post – a love poem.

The predictors I will discuss below have been determined to have the most impact.

AGE

While there are a few exceptions, if someone is between the ages of 22-34, they’re more likely to flake. This is not because Millennials are selfish. This has to do with mobility.

As we grow older, the radius we roam expands. As children, our radius is dictated by our parents. As we leave our parents’ care and go on to college, the radius expands. There is not just an expansion, but a shift of the center of the circle. It becomes centered on this institution of indentured servitude (college).

By the time one has graduated college, and begun their life, their roam radius has expanded substantially. Armed with disposable income and acting as the captains of their destiny, they find themselves in unexpected places at unexpected times.

As they become older, they start families and/or settle into routines. Obligations shift the center of the circle and the roam radius shrinks.

After this point, as you age you becoming increasingly immobile. If you want someone who is always down to hang, try your senile grandpa in assisted living. While you can’t be assured that he won’t flake on you mentally, you won’t get a text from him reading, “UGH, sorry crazy day – rain check?”

HOW THEY MAKE PLANS

You know that friend that will text you and ask if you want to have dinner in two hours? He sent that text to four other people.

Not to say that those who make spur of the moment plans tend to flake more. Those who regularly make plans in that manner are more likely to flake, because EVERYTHING is tentative.

Then there are those who make plans they can keep. Your plans have become part of their schedule, and they will undertake the necessary preparations to make sure they can honor them.

NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Here’s where FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) comes in play. The nature of the friendship is something that previous discussions FOMO never really touch on.

Close friends make plans because they’re invested. They’re more invested in your life, and invested in sharing what’s going on in their life. Newer relationships are less invested, therefore the propensity to flake increases.

The OBOes (Or Better Offer) of your friend circles are less likely to keep those commitments. And sometimes the better offer is a bowl of pasta and Netflix.

NATURE OF THE JOB

If they’re truly a busy person, they won’t flake. People who have demanding careers and full lives tend to honor the commitments they make because they don’t know when they’ll have the opportunity to take advantage of free time.

Everyone is SFBusy™ which means that you’re too busy to schlep 10 blocks, but not busy enough to spend 3 hours on Instagram.

WHERE THEY WERE RAISED

Y’all Californians act like you’ve never seen a watch before. Anyone who has spent significant time on the east coast tends to be prompt. California born and raised – start times are merely a suggestion. You guys, seriously, you make brown people embarrassed.

NATURE OF THE MEETING

You wouldn’t flake on a job interview for a job you really wanted, would you?

EVERYONE POOPS, EVERYONE FLAKES

Everyone flakes. Sometimes, you have a bad day at work and the thought of accompanying a friend to a networking happy hour makes your skin crawl. Sometimes, you find yourself unable to put on pants after exiting the shower.

Circumstances, frequency, and how it’s handled is what really matters in the end.*

*I was referring to flaking, but I suppose this also applies to the “other” thing