The Theory of Finite Fucks

The most fucks you will ever have to give in the year will be at 5 PM on January 1st.

It is why I had absolutely no qualms about walking into a cafe at 2 PM with a half eaten doughnut for a cup of coffee today. And also why I had no problem when a complete stranger pushed my hair away because it was about to get in my doughnut. I’m just now realizing how strange that was, but only because it is 7 PM on January 1st.

At the beginning of the year, everyone has a finite number of fucks to give. January is the month where everyone gives the most fucks they will ever give. Everyone cares about EVERYTHING, just burning through their fucks to give.

However, sometime between the middle and end of January, most begin to realize that there are some things that they just simply cannot afford to give a fuck about.

New Years Eve is so awful because everyone gives zero fucks.  The two fucks you have to give are used getting ready for your evening activities. By the time you roll up to the party, you’re operating at zero fucks, so you’re drinking like YOU WANT TO DIE.

Discourse is important to any well formed theory.  While I think this theory is solid, I believe it can benefit from lively discussion for example…

The Influx of Fucks

At some points during the year you give more fucks. This can be brought on by a significant event such as a new job. The question is are giving more of the fucks you hold, or has there been an influx in your bank of fucks?

Glut of Fucks

What about drama on New Years Eve? This is caused by a glut of fucks — someone cares too much about too little. They’re trying to burn through excess fucks with crazy abandon.

How many fucks do you have to give?

Do women give more fucks than men? Does a college degree mean you’re full of fucks to give? Do offspring mean you have more fucks to give, or are they being diverted from other areas of your life?

At some time during the future, I would like to collect data on this, but this involves participation on your part. Frankly, I’m hoping someone will give a fuck.


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